DISINHERITANCE IN AN IRISH-AMERICAN FAMILY

Carole Page

University of California, Berkeley

The focus of this paper will be the conflict between a mother

and her in-marrying daughters-in-law. This conflict rmained unresolved
throughout Grandmother's lifetime, ending with the disinheritance of
her two sons at her death.

Grandmother was widowed when her children were in their early
twenties. Although she was financially secure, her sons continued
living with her until their stronger marriage ties forced them to

separate. Both sons married at a late age -- Bob at 32 and Bill at

38. Bob, being the older and first to marry, brought his wife, Alice,
home to live with Grandmother and Bill. Grandmother and Alice could
not get along and finally Bob and Alice left San Francisco and moved
to Santa Barbara.

During the war Bill, the only child still living at home, was
transferred to Canada. There, he married a Canadian woman. When
the war ended, they returned to San Francisco to live with Grand-

mother, who was then living by herself. After almost a year of constant
disagreements, Winnie and Bill had to leave Grandmother's as life
had become unbearable for Winnie. They moved to Oakland.

Grandmother then moved to Santa Barbara. Her daughter's first
husband had died, and Katharine had remarried. This second marriage
met with Grandmother's approval (the first had not). Katharine and
her family were now living in southern California. Grandmother was

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living closer to the children with whom she got along best -- her
daughter and her favorite son. Alice's feelings were disregarded.
Several years after moving to Santa Barbara Grandmother died. She
bestowed all her worldly belongings upon Katharine.

The structural relationships in this particular situation did
not help to relieve a poor situation. Both sons had brought their
wives home to live. Though the situation seemed unbearable, it

might have been softened if Alice or Winnie could have turned to

their own families for support. Geographical limitations made this

impossible. Winnie's family was in Canada and Alice's was in Florida.
They had both been stranded in an unfamiliar locale in the household
of a woman with whom they did not get along. If they had had each

GRANDFATHER    GRANDMOTHER

0=__
ALICEV

I OINE

IL

0

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other for support, it might have been easier. But by the time Winnie
had come to live with Grandmother, Alice had already left the area.

If the possibility had existed for Grandmother to live with
Katharine, a more agreeable situation might have occurred. But

Katharine moved quite frequently, and remarried shortly after the
death of her first husband. Grandmother did not wish to become a
burden in her life.

Another factor contributing to the tension was the fact that
Alice and Winnie were not Catholic. Grandmother was a very devout

Irish Catholic and had brought up her children accordingly, but both
her sons had married outside the Church. To further emphasize the

importance of being Catholic, Grandmother had insisted on the baptism
of all her grandchildren.

When Grandfather died, Grandmother took over the position of
authority in her sons' lives. Thus their relationship with her

became very intense for a prolonged period of time. After marrying,
they tried to remain neutral in all bickering, hoping the women

would work things out for themselves. Even after they moved out of
her household, they never criticized her for the rejection of their

wives. Up until her death, they supported her financially even though
she had money of her own.

There was no one to act as a buffer between Grandmother and her
daughters-in-law, as grandfathers comonly do. Her sons preferred to
play submissive roles.

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Grandmother's cultural background also played an important

part in her inability to accept her daughters-in-law. She was the
child of Irish imigrant parents and married a man of the same

background. The family structure in which she tried to function
was the patrilocal household typical of rural Ireland.

In such a system, newly married couples came to live with the
husband's family on their farm. The old people remained in control.
The new daughter-in-law was a stranger and outsider and was treated

like one. She was in an apprentice position to her mother-in-law in
her daily activity of domestic chores. She could return home quite

frequently, but usually settled down to the routine. The sons married
at quite a late age and maintained a strong emotion-laden relationship
with their mother. This intensified the tension in the relationship
between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law. This stressful relation-
ship was quite comon. Sons may even have had to leave the farm if
the situation became unbearable and were considered right in doing
80. Friends, relatives, and the local priest might have tried to
smooth things over before it reached the final stage.

Although this family was not in rural Ireland, the similarities

are so strong that a comparison cannot be avoided. In this particular
situation, many of the tension-reducing mechanisms found in Ireland
were lacking. The wives were more than just strangers from another
farm. They were from different cultural and religious backgrounds.

They were not brought up in the society, and were completely unprepared

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for what was in store for them. There was neither a local priest nor
relatives and friends to counsel them during the initial period of
adjustment. Although the sons may be considered right in having
left'the'ir mother's 'household, they had to be ready to accept the

consequences.  They had left, so to speak, the family fortune behind.

In analyzing these relationships, the importance of individual

pers'o'nalities'cann'ot'be overlooked.  Grandmother appears to have been
a dominant figure.  Although she was old, she did not want to let go
of her authority'in the lives of her sons.  Using her money to gain
contro'l, Grandmother thought that 'by telling Winnie and Alice that

they were'not going' to' inherit her money she could continue to have
power in her sons' lives.  She had not counted on the strong

relationship her children had with one another. (Katharine split the
inheritance three ways with her brothers).

Thus, it can be said that Grandmother tried to resolve this
conflict by creating a situation so hectic that her daughters-

in-law would prefer to leave her sons, rather than stay and put up
with.'her.  When this didn't work, she disinherited her sons rather
than accepting tl.eir wives.  She had really lost control in their

lives.  Grandmother's unwillingness to letithe "domestic cycle" run
its course is what created the conflict.

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